Spiritual Warfare of our Harvest Trip

I had a wonderful time in Israel. Being able to stand at the places I had only read about was incredible – seeing the places I have read about and seeing that some of these locations were, actually, in the same place. For example, the Mount of Blessing/Mount of Cursing/Shechm area, Elon Moreh, and the Tirzah Valley – one in the same, all standing shoulder to shoulder. Going to the places where the covenants were made and re-confirmed was impacting. Visiting the same towns and the same holy sites, helping excavate in Shiloh after helping in the vineyards and olive groves there was a wonderful way to complete the circle of helping to restore and establish the Jewish people in the land of Israel. Just simply being in the land, touching the soil and traveling the same roads (The Road Of The Patriarchs / Hwy 60) was a tremendous blessing. I feel like now I have a much deeper understanding of what I’m reading when I’m reading my Bible.

However, it was a spiritually hard journey. The whole world seems to be intensely against the Jewish people in the Biblical heartland – and nation after nation seems to stand against the work we were doing. Taking a stand for the Jewish people and for Israel catches the prime attention of the enemy. Doing the work we were doing, primarily since it was spoken of by HaShem through the Prophets as taking place prior to the coming of Messiah, made us prime targets for HaSatan – the adversary. We knew this and we had spent the past year learning about various spiritual issues in our family and in our personal lives, and learning how to use the tools we have to fight that fight. We had friends tell us that coming to Israel is hard spiritual work because anything the enemy can find to attack you with, he will and he will attempt to destroy you through it. We understood this. However, I was not at all prepared for the battle I quickly found myself sinking in and our friend later counseled me saying that there is no way to even prepare for this kind of attack, you just have to fight through it.

Weeks prior to our trip I began to struggle with the same old stuff that has plagued me all my life. Things I know had better discernment about but still wasn’t sure how to effectively combat. I was so busy trying to finish up our projects at home that I simply didn’t take time to stop and fully consider what was beginning to happen. The week before we left I began to have terrible regrets about taking this trip, and when I’d stop to think about it I’d realize that *I* wasn’t truly having any regrets but that the seeds of these thoughts were being planted in my mind. Truly, I wasn’t regretting this trip in the least but if I wasn’t on top of things I would find myself feeling like I was making a huge mistake. The evening we left home to drive to the airport I heard a loud voice screaming to me “What are you doing?!? You can’t leave your home! Are you crazy?” I have to tell you that it was creepy and it sounded like my own thoughts screaming at me, but it sure didn’t feel like I was talking to myself. I can still clearly remember the voice. ugh. Even still, I wasn’t really thinking about this as spiritual warfare, I just thought I was afraid to leave home or something and tried not to give it a second thought. I gave the dog a final pet and walked out the door almost shaking. In hindsight, this would have been a good clue to pay attention to that this trip was going to be a hard one, spiritually.

For months I had anticipated that landing in Israel and arriving at our camp would be tremendously exciting and I would have be so joyful when remembering the hopes and expectations I had about our arrival and our time there. When we actually landed, walked through the airport and arrived at our camp I felt nothing, and I was disappointed. I realize I’m a very fact-based person and not terribly emotional so I didn’t put too much thought into feeling rather “blah” about our arrival.  I figured I was just tired and it’d hit me later that we were actually in the land and doing the work that we had been dreaming of for years. A week later when my kids told me that they were bothered that they, too, were feeling rather ‘blah’ I thought it was unfortunate, but didn’t think anything beyond that. My son kept telling me that this feeling was very different than when he was in Israel earlier in the year, and he was frustrated with it.   “Oh well”, I thought, “we can tend to be more factual than emotional anyway so this is just what it is.”

For the first two weeks we were getting settled, celebrating Yom Kippur and Sukkot, and we had good friends with us. But two weeks into the trip my husband and our friends went home, the festivals were over and there weren’t any distractions left. It was just me and my aching heart that wouldn’t quit. It seemed like every moment of the day I was sinking and gasping for air. I understood that this was a spiritual battle and I needed to keep fighting, but I wasn’t sure how to fight anymore. This was a completely different kind of attack than I had ever encountered before. I would journal a lot and try to understand what was going on, but I really needed someone to talk to who could walk me through this. I didn’t know anyone there and besides, I was feeling so crushed and so hurt that I often found myself trying to escape the crowd to find a touch of peace. When I would chit-chat with others, I felt like all the worst character traits I have were jumping to the forefront and spilling out of my mouth for the entire 7 weeks we were in Israel. *sigh* I’d think to myself, often, “shut up! shut up! shut up!” but that didn’t keep my mouth closed. I’d lay in bed most nights thinking about my day and wish I could crawl in a hole and disappear nearly every night. So now here I’m struggling with some deep hurts, shame and every stitch of the worst in me was standing up tall while the more positive aspects of who I am were being buried in the battle, and I didn’t have any idea how to fight this fight with the tools I knew how to use.

I’d often find myself in one of two places for quiet time and to do my prayers, but I wouldn’t be able to think about anything other than pleading for help to get through this and find peace. I had come to Israel to find a closer walk with HaShem and here it felt like I was standing on this hill, looking right AT Jerusalem just a few miles away, and He was farther away from me than ever. Praying at the Kotel wasn’t any different, but I had gotten used to the silence and lonelyness by then. By then I was just content that I came and did what I had come to do, knowing that He would meet me again someday, somewhere, when this battle was over.

The last two weeks of our trip I started to have migraine headaches too. It’s rare for me to get these headaches even once a year now, so to have several within a two week span was really quite frustrating. By then I knew what was going on but still clueless as to how to effectively fight this fight. All I could do was what I knew to do, even though that didn’t seem to be working. We were having a wonderful time in Israel, but I was lugging this battle around with me and that was frustrating.

Trudging through all of this was hard and I don’t think I made any progress, I don’t really know. Now that I’m home I can say that I truly feel spiritually and emotionally beat up and exhausted. The attacks haven’t stopped since I’ve come home either, in a few areas they’ve intensified, but I’m to the point that I’m able to recognize them for what they are a little faster.

Why do I write this? I knew that there’d be a spiritual battle in my life as I went to Israel to stand with the Jewish people. I knew that. But I didn’t expect it to be so intense, even though I had been told it could be very intense. I just never expected… So I write this to hopefully encourage someone else who is struggling through their own spiritual battle, maybe some of my friends will join us in Israel sometime and they’ll find themselves in the midst of an intense struggle and might remember that they’re not alone. It stinks to feel so alone. Hindsight is helpful, but those cold and lonely moments really hurt.  And if you’re there with us, call me.  I will, at the very least, stand with you if I don’t know how to help beyond simple prayers.

The day before I left Israel a new friend ‘just happened to mention’ some materials she really appreciated about discerning spiritual battles and how to fight them and stand strong. She didn’t know what I was going through, I had only told one person. So I’m going to look into the resources she suggested as well as furthering our studies with the resources we already have, and see if I can gain better discernment into this fight and learn how to use the tools I have to fight this battle. I WILL NOT LAY DOWN AND LOOSE! My next trip to Israel will be completely different.

This trip was wonderful and exciting. We had some incredible opportunities that will remain with us for the rest of our lives. We met some amazing people and really had a great time. Those are things I’m going to share with you soon. But I wanted to get this part out of the way first because I know that many of my friends are wanting to take this same trip someday and, you know me, I want to be very real and honest with what to expect. If you’re planning on taking this trip in the future, it’d be wise to get real familiar with spiritual warfare and any issues in your own personal life that might be used as a tool to distract you as you do the work that HaShem has called you to. And be encouraged if you do struggle – you’re not alone!

Find Part Two of this journey here.